Quitpaxil: the lighter side

Here, you will find some of the letters that did not quite fit into the usual slot . I always welcome humorous or artistic takes on the subject, so please send in your contribution.

PAXIL BLOG

This is a diary of my attempt to get off of Paxil. I have taken 20mg a day for 6 years. I am a retired professor and now work as a comedian and actor. I apologize in advance for any attempts at humor contained in the following…

March 22, 2007
Had enough of weird feelings, physical and mental… tired of not caring about anything almost… spent 4 hours researching Paxil, side effects, and withdrawal… I’ve been on 20mg/day for 6 years… generalized anxiety syndrome… worry ran my life… Paxil worked… it was a miracle… but I’ve learned a lot since and hope that I can deal with worry on my own… I feel dull, beige, emotionless… LAST DAILY PAXIL today

March 23, 2007
No Paxil today… no effects… very exciting entry, if I do say so myself…

March 24, 2007
Took Paxil today… think I will go primarily cold turkey… no symptoms…

March 25, 2007
No Paxil… no symptoms… had some red wine… hit me rather hard… no more alcohol for the duration… a comic without booze is like an infection without ooze…

March 26, 2007
No Paxil today… called Dr for appointment to discuss getting off Paxil… tomorrow at 2… after sitting in the spa and laying down for a few minutes, had a whooshing sound in head… dependant on movement… went away in about 30 minutes… might be first symptom, what some describe as a scratching sound in the head… only 1 cup of coffee today… feeling a little jittery, as though I have more surface energy… head sound happened again when I got up after sitting for a while… not bad… a little pressure in the head… all in all, a fine day…

March 27, 2007
Great night sleep… interesting but not bad dreams… woke up with more energy that in a long time… no p yet… will see Dr this afternoon… 1 cup of coffee… off to do a kid’s show at 9AM… Doc concurs… worth a try… we supports my desire to cold turkey… he said, since p resides in the spinal fluid, it will take at least 3 weeks to clear it out… that doesn’t mean the withdrawal will end then since Paxil works on the brain… tapering off will delay the end result… if I am willing to suffer the effects, then go cold… my pharmacist agrees… I have lorazapam to help when withdrawal is too strong… and antihistamine for vertigo… still need crystallized ginger for nausea… I am pretty excited about doing this… 226 lbs at the doc’s today… lots of “head whooshing… it is better when I am still…

March 28, 2007

“Woke up this morning, my head was so bad… the worst hangover I ever had.” With apologies to Dick Holler and the Holidays. That’s what I expect, but I’ve actually awaken bright eyed and bushy-tailed the last 2 days…. Scratching sound in the head continues today… feeling a little jittery – but a good jittery… got a lot done… then took a 4 mile hike… felt great… actually felt a couple of “happy twinges in the shorts!”, if you know what I mean… picked up some ginger candy and ginger in case of nausea…

March 29
DAY 7… Last night I had a couple of those brain zaps (not brain farts) that people report… not terrible… I think that they are more intense and quicker “scratching noises”… those noises seem to be activated by rapid eye movements… weird dreams – not nightmares… seemed to go all night… brain zaps more numerous this AM… feel pretty good… a little giddy… just got a HUGE audition on April 2… I mean HUGE… I’m going, but I will not go back on p… I WILL NOT go back… still haven’t taken any lorazapam… the vivid dreams a actually entertaining… better than most movies… beats the crap out of American Idol…

March 30. 2007
DAY 8… a real turn around today… far fewer ZAPS… a very physical day for me… physically tired by evening but wanted to keep going… Wow!... I feel very accomplished today… I think I’m winning the battle…

March 31, 2007
DAY 9… today started out okay and got better as it went… today was not a physical day for me so quick eye movements were done… and so were the ZAPS… maybe only a couple dozen today… had a small headache at bedtime… Tylenol took care of it…

April 1, 2007
DAY 10… Feel terrible… weak every where… green spots before my eyes… APRIL FOOLS!... Really – had a decent night… still a lot of wake-ups… many dreams… woke up with another small headache… took Tylenol… had a cup of coffee… big gig tonight… headlining and need to do about 45 minutes… should be no problemo… show went well… even more energy on stage than usual…

April 2, 2007
DAY 11… left for LA at 3AM… very few shocks… no headache all day… audition went well but I think I had maybe TOO much energy… I realize that this will ebb as the Paxil goes away fully… stayed awake and driving for 24 hours…

April 3, 2007
DAY 12… slept 3 hours in car at rest stop… woke up feeling okay… a little sleepy on and off… home… slept for 4 hours… very refreshed… few zaps… in all – symptoms are lessening…

April 4, 2007
DAY 13… interesting number… last night I had more vivid dreams but this time, 2 or 3 bad ones… not nightmares with monsters and all, but dreams where bad crap happened to loved ones… I was however, fully aware that they were dreams… therefore, I wasn’t freaked out… they were just uncomfortable to watch… kind of like when I watched WATERWORLD… I seem to be able to eat more when I eat… but I don’t want to eat all the time… food tastes BETTER… how am I going to lose that 20-40 lbs?... very productive day… a little anxious about going to sleep… going to watch a movie or 2… get real tired… felt queezy for a couple of hours… maybe too much pizza…

April 5, 2007
Day 14… woke up okay… vivid dreams last night, but no bad ones… put in 10 hours of physical labor… felt good… brain zaps not noticeable when working… ate well today…

April 6, 2007
THIS IS DAY 15!... woke up fairly early… cause I wanted to… sore from yesterday, but feel great… a few zaps… had an N/A beer with lunch… and I got a little buzz!... just a tingling in the jowls… what a wimp!... no symptoms seem to be heightened… don’t think ill have another until after the p is completely gone and I am withdrawal symptom free… maybe not even then!... PS – “DAY 15” means absolutely nothing… pretty excellent day…

April 7, 2007
Day 16… a little aside… all of us involved with Paxil know of its potential to play havoc with one’s libido… it did with mine, although still able to function, the ED issue increased steadily during my 6 years on the drug… during week 1 of the cold turkey, I tried out the old “love machine”… 1. senses were more sensitive than ever 2. the old horny feelings seemed to be reappearing 3. the captain came a’callin’ pretty quickly (I wasn’t even sure he had swabbed the deck – but he had)… last night gave is a go again… all the above true again, but I was informed afterwards (yeh, I was not alone) the mast hadn’t been that tall in many a moon… I assume that it will continue to improve as I continue to “hoist me bow”… I plan to fly the Jolly Roger more often… the winds be finally blowing that way again… OK, OK, enough of the cheesy nautical idioms… but you get my drift (sorry)… stuff is making my boat float (again, sorry) that has not affected me emotionally for years… all I can say is RRRR matey (evidently as hard to kick as Paxil) – I’m back!... had a beer today with lunch… relaxed my a little… no buzz… no heightened withdrawal symptoms… tasted real good…

April 8, 2007

EASTER… & DAY 17… I am certainly being more opinionated… I have to watch myself so I don’t seem harsh or obnoxious… I fells great… no more middle of the road crap… my comedy should become more edgy… when I was previously having ED issues, the doctor tested me for testosterone levels… it showed I was very low… I used it for 3 months and nothing – except for the incredible desire to watch THE TERMINATOR… now I know that the symptoms of ED, constant tiredness, apathy… were from the Paxil… Viagra didn’t work at all… and if I tried it know The Amazing Johnson might actually explode…

April 9, 2007 DAY 18… woke up feeling queezy… went away after 45 minutes. Then went on to have a very good and physical day… not much else to report so I will fill with a joke

… this guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya....... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

April 10, 2007
DAY 19… woke up at 6:22 MA and ready to go… got more dome before 10 than most folks (haven’t I heard that somewhere before?)… only a couple of zaps… a great day… not much more to say… don’t worry, no bad joke tonight…

April 11, 2007
DAY 20… I do not even remember any brain zaps today… virtually symptom free today… I’ll get back to you if/when I have something new to report…

April 22, 2007
DAY 30… one month!... recently, I’ve had a few (3 in 5 days) severe headaches (starting over my right eye)… Tylenol doesn’t touch them… Advil Migraine works… not sure if these are a withdrawal symptom… I have only had a handful of migraines in the past… I also had a week of very stressful situations, including the hospitalization of my son and traveling to gigs… old anxiety troubles just peeking up, not in any way near what they were prior to taking Paxil the first time… other than that, doing very well… from all info, the Paxil should now be out of my spinal fluid COMPLETELY… it will never return, I can guarantee you that!...

April 29, 2007
DAY 37… I’ve spent the week surfing the emotional waves… anger, self-doubt, everybody against me, etc… this sucks… took 3 Lorazapam’s… made me tired… stayed that way for 3 days… that sucks… I’m assuming that these are withdrawal symptoms… I was not any of those things pre-Paxil… going to hang in there… as for avoiding stress – son in hospital for 5 days – then daughter in for 4-hour surgery… avoiding stress sucks…

May 2, 2007
DAY 40?... all day – felt worthless, out of control, no light at the end of the tunnel… 2mg Lorazapam… got over it… a couple of hours later, still dopey and typing this entry… took about 6 minutes! And that’s with 13 spelling errors and 4 grammar suggestions… I Never listen to them... all is slowed down (including my mind)… all is much better now…

May 4, 2007
Day 42… avoid stress??? Tonight I was mugged at butcher knife point… no kidding… thanks to the fact that I have been off Paxil for 6 weeks, I gave a crap and ran my ass off… the attacker did not pursue (he might have been taking Paxil [or meth])… I’m fine… STILL didn’t want to return to the dreaded Paxil mouse wheel…

PS… I guess I’m basically over the Paxil withdrawals… no more brain zaps, emotions pretty level… I am beginning to see a few of the old anxiety things (for which I was originally prescribed Paxil 6 years ago), but they are far less intense and I have been able to overcome them ON MY OWN…

So….. don’t give up… even through family illness, surgeries, and muggings – it was worth it to be Paxil free… now I care, I feel, I cry, I laugh, I smell the roses, I enjoy… not the mention that the little general stands up and salutes at will…

PEACE WITHOUT PAXIL, TP

What Do I Need To Know About Stopping Paxil CR?
Don't stop taking Paxil CR before talking to your doctor, although talking to your doctor really won't help, as he has not been fully educated by the pharmaceutical rep about the side effects since it would severely reduce sales of the drug. He'll most likely put you back on the medication, which is why we don't tell them anything. And since symptoms may, in fact most likely will, result from stopping the medication or from your original condition we're going to play down those effects on this website to make sure we can make our quarterly numbers. Some, actually a pretty high percentage, of our victims, er I mean, patients experienced the following symptoms on stopping Paxil CR (particularly when abrupt): extreme dizziness and vertigo, like you're on of those people movers in the airport all the time. (We at GXC were actually thinking about calling this a "recreational withdrawal feature" instead of a symptom) , sensory disturbances (including electric shock sensations that range anywhere from mild tingles to having a cattle prod shoved up your butt), abnormal dreams that range in length from 2 to 4 hours and involve the kind of twisted stuff that Edgar Allen Poe used to throw out as "too edgy" for the opium crowd, agitation that somehow greedy corporate interests, incompetent government regulators, and doctors who either just don't have time to fully research what they prescribe or just really like the cash flow can come up with great way to get millions strung out on something so profitable , anxiety that because you have fried your brain using something recommended to you by your doctor that you will never be normal again, nausea and occasional projectile vomiting, sweating like a Japanese Sumo wrestler hiking through a tropical jungle in a wetsuit, mood fluctuations that make Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde look like Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa, headache (Actually more than one headache. Actually, it's a lot of headaches. OK, really they're more like migraines or severe caffeine withdrawal headaches. But we'll just call it "headache" for simplicity's sake, fatigue which in many cases is actually a blessing since you'll be flat on your back at home experiencing the rest of the symptoms instead of at work, nervousness like a hamster in a cage without a wheel and sleep disturbances which is also kind of a blessing as it gives you a break from the awful dreams.

Hi fellow “nofeelingwhatsover” OR “verge of puking” friends! Today is my 5th day totally off Paxil, prescribed for anxiety with assurance from my Doc of 10 years that it has“….little to no side effects when coming off of it”…... Well either he didn't know, or he did, frankly, I can't decide which is scarier? 5 months “in” didn't feel like I needed the “numbing don't give a shit about anything kinda like the lead character in Office Space” drug any longer, so I stopped cold turkey. After really bad flu like symptoms, and not really getting the correlation, I went back on it.

A few days back “in” I then read up on it, and thought, Holy Shit, Honey, lock up the 9mil, and um, maybe you should take the guy trip you have been putting off! And so it began, I started weaning my self off, 20mg to 10mg to 5 mg to less than 1/4 tablet for over a weel. I figured I would be the drug warnings typical supposed 80% and have little problems; after all I am pretty darn typical, just like most all of you who are reading this. Well after 5 days I feel like hell. NAUSEA is constant, whether I eat or not, any kind of motion, car, plane, and oh my Lord in the back of a large van, RALPH!! Headaches, sweating, fatigue, crying, diarrhea, huge insomnia, and the “zaps” Ah yes the ever popular zaps, figured they would never happen to me, and then they did. Hard to describe these babies, sort of sounds like tuning in an AM radio station on a little battery powered radio or a cartoon electricity sound, all deliciously accompanied with a massive head rush and whoa, let me get my footing feeling.

Remember now, I started this crap to help my anxiety!

If you care about someone plead with them to take another route even if you have to smack them, and if your Doc says no side effects, tell em' BULLSHIT, and ask when the last time he prescribed it to someone he loves...bet you will get a long....................pause.

I have never blogged anything, but if I can prevent one person from starting” Pax-Hell”, my 10 minutes is invaluable. Read up sanity seekers Google, Yahoo or Hot search it first, you will find plenty.

The path on Paxil is well traveled, only because it is back and forth!!!

Meditate, exercise, eat chocolate, smoke a little pot, maybe some valerian tea, but I am telling you, don’t go here. I am here, and I would pay a decade’s worth of salary to go back to just “high anxiety”.

I don’t promote any kind of drug use, but I was a little wild when I was younger, dabbled with some things, but I aint’ never been though anything like this after a party girl weekend.

If you are having some depression or maybe some anxiety, start with changing your environment, spouse, job, see a shrink. Trust me; this is not an easy way out! If for one second you trust the big drug companies, check out whom their latest new hire lobbyists are, Elected POLITICIANS. Oh yeah, I have been a pretty conservative Republican for 20 years for all of you who think I am just some bored lefty, sorry. OK, will not go there with the Politics, or you lefties and righties know we will be here for days! (Besides, I feel like my small dinner may need to escape it sounds angry! :0(

If nothing else, I know I have made you laugh!

Please know this was written with sincerity and love, promise. XOXO

Paxil in L.A.
This drug makes you feel awful....clue in. I started taking Paxil about six months ago. I 'd recently relocated to San Diego from Los Angeles. About a week after I started taking it (for depression and acute anxiety), I began to fixate on substance. This is how it went: 2:30, wake up with my boyfriend (too much substance the night before), stumble to the freezer, pull out the vodka, make a cocktail and then breathe. After that, we'd go out to eat (drink), get too hammered then put in the call for the cocaine delivery boy. Note: I've never had an affinity for cocaine in my lifetime. So right, do that, then go through copious amounts of blow throughout the evening and neatly swallow two milligrams of Valium and/or Xanax...whatever...to go to sleep. Then we woke up at 2:30 again.....you know the drill. The funny thing is, I didn't get suspicious of the Paxil yet because the cocaine and the alcohol balanced my head. I didn't even stop to question WHY I had taken up these habits. I didn't notice. All I knew was these substances were what I needed to maintain. I got off the Paxil...(lazy, hung over, high, didn't go to the doctor) because I ran out. We all know what happened then; if not, scroll up. I went back to my doctor and got six months worth of free samples along with an application for home delivery from Smith-Kline Beecham of ninety pills every three months. Every three months. And there I am...I wake up, I take my pill, I head to the freezer. If I was lucky enough to have any energy, I would soon start making the 'fuck you' and 'I love you' phone calls. I descended into extreme affection with turns of extreme antagonism. I would dream about drugs, alcohol. The scariest thing is when I started to dream about wanting things I couldn't name, let alone ask for. I woke up gritting my teeth. At this point I was at 1.75 litres of vodka a day...no job, all naps. In fact I'd lost my job because of calling in sick too much and being all too clear about what was wrong with the company. That's just it....I maintained my wits, I just projected them in a way too manic and frontal fashion. I could think clearly but couldn't control my mouth. At this point, I was in a very bad living situation. So, despite what I would normally do to save my soul and sanity (movement), I laid in bed and drank. And smoked way too much. I fell down, I knocked the ashtrays over, and I woke from my reverie before the ice cubes could even melt and, yes, made another drink. My cat box (serving four cats, all rescues, and beautiful), went for two weeks or so before I would think to pick up some litter at the liquor store. Vodka and cat litter, only, natch. Well, and tonic. I was so horribly miserable I couldn't even get up to pack my clothes (hung on the floor) and get the fuck out of there. My best friend came to get me. She packed my clothes, fed me (imagine that, food) and brought me back to LA. I stopped Paxil seven days after I got here...and on the sixth day after I quit, I almost killed myself in her kitchen. Another note: I've never been suicidal in my lifetime, or self abusive (physically). All I could do for an hour and a half was stare at the knives in the knife block and jones for the pain. I called a friend at the last minute because I knew that's what you have to do before you commit such a selfish crime. She talked me down out of the tree and in the morning I couldn't believe where I'd been. This is confusion. Oh yes, and confusion....I couldn't decipher between waking and dreaming state. Nice. One morning I couldn't pull out of a dream....there was this woman in my face...she looked nice but felt awful. She wouldn't go away and she kept getting closer, so I reached out and grabbed her head, and broke her neck. At the very same moment (as I was twisting her neck), I woke up and realized that it was my sweet, favored black Burmese cat who's head was in my hand. I didn't hurt her, but I cried for hours over how it could have been. She's sitting on me now. This is all true. Fucking real. Should you wish to contact me or view me, my address is Lilyvillain@hotmail.com, and my website is www.vanillacream.com. Please don't take this shit. Bad, bad bad bad bad bad. I've kicked it, but still drinking, although not as much. Cheers, and may the muses kiss all of your heads.

You would think I had learned by now...but I'm startin' to believe that you cant tell this girl nothin'. Paxil. That damn pill. It started innocently enough. I had gone in to the Dr.s because I was losin' my mind with panic attacks and anxiety. Without question I took the little demon home and ate him. That is when the problems began. I was told that it may take 2-3 months until I felt better. So I foolishly assumed that the HEIGHTENED anxiety and panic was just natural (but never mind all that -as my wonderful Dr. even had a pill for those issues -Clonopam and zanix...)So I waited it out. 4 months into it, I decide It would be a great idea to go to the mall and get my children clothing to cover their ass. BAD IDEA -Do you know what its like to lose your mind at the mall ? I just barley stepped foot in the door and had to locate a pay phone Called my husband and spent the better part of 20 minutes cowering at the phone ."Tell me its going to be ok ,honey ","I DO NOT want to be here, cant you just take the bus and come and get me? (YES I'm aware at how inconvenient this would have been..) ,"This is FUCKING unreal ! I'm not DOING ANYTHING !! I just want to get clothing for the kids !!Honey cant you just come and get me out of here? ",I have got to get it together ,I have got to get myself out of this mall .FUCK JUNE GET IT TOGETHER !!!!! PEOPLE ARE GOING TO START STARING AND THINK YOUR CRAZY!!!".........and on it went. Fuckin' Paxil. So a few day's later I start to get the most hideous of headaches .That was it. I quit taking them cold turkey. My bad....5 day's later and I have EVERY symptom know to man. The worst in my opinion? The electrical shocks. Never mind the bursting into tears (my kid's think I'm nuts..), The fact that I'm all the sudden REAL DUMB (Now this IS bad, as I teach my children at home...lately they are grade levels above me...FANTASTICO). The list is endless, truly I could go on. I went to the pharmacy last night (took back- up with me via my 17 year old son) to pick up some Benydril for this constant itch I now have. You know what the pharmacist said when I told him my symptoms? Say's ,"Oh ya, defiantly. I hear that an awful lot with Paxil". WHAT THE FUCK?! My pharmacist seems to know and get it, and yet my Dr. NEVER said a thing....It's a damn conspiracy I tell ya, a damn conspiracy. Loosin' my mind in Washington.....

Hiya! I just visited your site and noticed that you have a "Paxil Humor" section that could use some chuckles. Well, I remember a Paxil Moment I had a couple of months ago that still makes me chuckle. Maybe I just have a weird sense of humor; but if it makes someone else smile, I'd be proud. =) So...I should start by telling you the background, I guess. I am unemployed, and was not yet approved for the state medical coverage which I now receive. That meant that I got my Punchy Paxil (nicknamed for the shaky, hyper, abnormally giddy feeling it occasionally causes me to feel) through the inpatient pharmacy at the local hospital (they have a free sample program for outpatients w/no insurance.) Until the month in question, they'd been giving me my goodies in a plain prescription bottle, only the insurance label was blank, and "$0.00" was written on the copay line. I was on 30mgs. of the stuff, and had been taking a pill and a half of pink 20mg. pills to see if 30mgs. was a high enough dose. Well, it wasn't, and my doctor upped it to 40mgs. the next month. That month, I went to the pharmacy to get my latest shipment. To my horror, the pharmacist handed me one month of double doses of 20s, instead of one-shot 40s! I. Completely. Freaked! Worse yet, they came in half-used packets of leftover samples! They were the PINK pills, not the GREEN ones I WANTED! And they were in PACKAGES THAT SOME PHARMACIST TOUCHED BEFORE! And they were in a GREAT BIG ZIPLOC BAGGIE for the whole damn world to see! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! A couple of hours and some soothing herbal tea later, I was able to laugh at the experience. How sorry is it to freak out and start obsessing over the color and packaging of the stuff that's supposed to treat my OCD? I'd hate to be across the table from me if I were ever served Vanilla Coke; or, worse yet, that purple Heinz ketchup! :P Anyway; hope that brings at least a chuckle. If you can laugh at mental illness, you can beat it!

Twinkie is my 7 year old 16lb Main Coon cat who has depression and is aggressive toward the other cats. He was on Elevil for a while but that made him a very weird zombie and if anything he became more vicious.
Then he was put on Paxil. He has always been pretty good about letting me give him pills. He fought the paxil hard. He absolutly hated it. After two weeks Twinkie became extremely dangerous and for the first time I considered putting him to death (not going to sugar coat it) because I was afraid of him. I abruptly stopped the Paxil and put him on Azmira Pet Agression Formula, a homopathic aggression medicine. He is doing much better now.

If anyone saw what Paxil did to my cat, they would realize this needs to taken off the market for good.

He stopped cudding with me, he growled alot, I mean he just sat there and growled, he ate too much and slept too much. This drug did nothing positive to change his behavior.

Please dont take Paxil or prescribe Paxil. I wonder, did they do any animal tests on Paxil?

Hello, I don't take paxil on prescription, but I took 80 mgs to feel weird for pleasure. Now im shaking! Its been 6 days now, do you know how long it takes to go away?

To all you people who posted what you went through, thank you, it would be hard to imagine dealing with this without the benefit of you sharing our experiences. Paxil "withdrawal" blindsided me the first two times, kicked me down hard in an alley, stuffed me into the trunk of a car and took me across the River Below to the "dark side" and back. Intense insomnia;, incredibly vivid, gory, horrific dreams; debilitating dizziness and mild hallucinations - that's just a sampler. Both times, I was off it just two or three days, by accident. After the second time, I went to the Internet to find out what the h** had just happened. So this is for the the ones who are yet to approach this: I am looking at my desk where there is a pool of tears now drying on the wood, and I have no idea what I was crying about. I don't even feel upset, but the water is on my face too. I touch a finger to the pool of moisture, almost dried since I started this graf, in the morning sun. A faint salty taste. I'm trying today to put some things down, for the rest of you to come. It's a struggle, though usually to write a graph costs me nothing. Now it's so hard. It's day six already and every day I try to do this. It comes in waves, that shut me down. Put me in a chair from standing. My head in my hands. Dizzy. Stop, stop it. I say to whatever it is. And the thing happens with my ears. The pressure drop. On and off on and off. Quit it, stop. Please. It's like a bad airplane ride in a too small craft. Now the surging, the nausea. And what they call "agitation?" I'm pounding my feet on the floor like a kid at a basketball game. Now I'm out of the chair, now back. What to do with crazy energy. Pacing. Shaking. I have lost seven pounds since starting this. Chronic nausea and manic pacing -- the perfect "eat less, exercise more" combination. Then again when I look at the scale my feet are so far away. Twenty feet away. Whose feet are they? Cause I am above the room somewhere, looking down at someone else.. Here it is okay, waves, zapping. Bad, so bad this morning. Stop it, leave me alone! Feel like a punching bag, a scarecrow being hit by gusts of wind. You guys called it zapping, in your posts. I didn't know what you meant by now I do. The word to me is more like 'fritzing,' or 'surging.' It's bad wiring, surges, drop-outs. If I were a lamp I'd be buzzing and turning on and off. This is so exhausting. I will dry again later. Now the beating of wings. Huge, heavy wings, like a pterodactyl or a giant bat. Shoop shoop. Shoop shoop. The first time, on maybe day 3, I said to my husband: Do you hear that? No. 30 seconds later. There, there! Do you hear that? No. As if there are these wings so heavy that they displace air and cause a pressure drop. As if my ears are popping and unpopping, in bursts, and constantly. Stop it! The thing with the face and head is raging today - squeezing, pressure on the sides of my head, Sometimes I burst outside, to distract myself, walk quickly, walk away from it. It finds me again, though. Yesterday the last light was beautiful and we went for a peaceful, easy walk. Ten minutes from home I'm suddenly exhausted, shutting down. Not like, "I need to sit down," but like, "I need to collapse." What are you going to do, lie down on the ground? I walked back as fast as I could make it, went straight up to bed and had a dire, down-the-rabbit-hole 'nap' full of desperate, unpleasant sensations, like the kind you have with a bad fever. For a couple of hours. Usually I walk for 30 minutes, no problem, and could easily do more if I had time. Usually I skate around here, three or four loops to use up my energy, but for several weeks now I'm too dizzy to use my skates. Haven't driven in a week - no way ! or been "allowed" to use the stove. Because I can't remember what I start. But Sunday morning early I feel good and go for a drive, to the beach, mostly a straight shot down Jefferson, I think, and no one on the road yet. I want to go to the Chinese massage place at Venice Beach and let them smooth out the cramps that have me sleeping like a twisted root since this began. I want to take a long walk against the blank white sky. I miss a turn somewhere and never make it. Wind up confused and fighting to stay focused behind the wheel because I'm suddenly exhausted. But it's your car and you have to get it home so you do somehow. That was on day five and now this is day seven. I could go on but you can read other people's stories, and you should. I'm tired now but I have some questions about Paxil, and I'm not going to quit until I put them down. Why isn't there a whole lot more on the label about this? All it said was 'do not stop taking suddenly.' Well, when I say 'day seven,' I mean Day Seven from stopping completely. But I staged out of this thing - discussed it with a doctor first, and went from 40 mg to 30 mg, to 20 mg, to 10 mg, to 0 - in increments of around 10 days each. After the first drop down, the 'symptoms' began. But not even like this. I did this the right way, you m**f**s at the company. And still look at what I get to endure. One last note - for those few who think that people who are trying to get off Paxil are 'crazy or depressed anyway.' I have no history of depression - I was prescribed Paxil for a different reason. As for crazy, well, I wasn't before.. The reason why I determined to get OFF Paxil was because despite the brief upside - a significant reduction in debilitating hot flashes related to estrogen suppression therapy, plus giddy, unreasonable happiness, and a kind of chemical shield from any bad feelings I might have had about a cancer diagnosis - before long it turned me halfway to stone, turning off my motivation, energy, drive, joy in physical exercise, and all the things that make it possible to strive for a life that transcends mere survival. Also, because when I discovered how 'trapped' I was in taking this drug - the harsh and immediate consequences of stopping for even two days in a row - I was appalled. When I expressed apprehension about the hurdles to stopping the drug, three different doctors, two of them physicians, one a psychiatrist, said to me, in all sincerity: Well, why would you get off it? Why not just stay on it? For...ever? I thought. The psychiatrist even insisted that I switch to Prozac instead. I never saw him again.

What is Paxil?

Paxil is one cruel reminder that what is gifted with the power to give us life, also has the power to take it back.

These little pink pills reneged on our deal. They told me they would change my life and fight for me the battle with the pain of my existence, hurt and betrayal. They told me they would not only fight for me, but would win the battle and chase away my pain to the barren depths of obscurity. In return, I agreed to help them achieve eternal life; to avoid their greatest fear - extinction - by allowing them to inundate my blood and alter my brain. I would refer them to my friends and shout their praise. I would attest to how they changed my life for the better, and people would see me blossom into the person I should have been born as - the person I was destined to become. I kept my end of the bargain, and now I must live with the guilt that people I care for may have walked into the valley that past users have rightfully termed "Pax-hell".

Whoever said the color black was evil's dark façade,
Never went against the color pink - these pills believe they're God.
They offer you a life renewed with all that pleases you.
Their deception is a brutal one - they spit and then they chew.

Paxil is an abusive lover. It makes you believe you need it to survive in a world so full of hurt and hate. It's disciples are walking this earth disguised as the doctors we trust our life with. It's drug lords are our pharmacists, who we run to with our money when we need a 'fix'. Not only does this drug control your mind, it controls your body, taking away your ability to experience pleasure from the human lover in your life. Paxil is a selfish, controlling lover who doesn't want to share and won't stand for any physical pleasure to be given by another. Like an abusive partner, these pills overtake your heart, mind and soul, but what scares me most is that I have allowed them to become a part of my blood. Does it ever really leave, or does it hide in undiscovered crevices of my brain, lying in wait until society has determined that it has left my body, for then any acts I may perform against myself can no longer be blamed on those unholy pills?

Paxil played the role of my savior, and I believed it had saved me. And maybe, for awhile, it really did. Now, as I try to thank it for it's help and bid it farewell, it won't let me go. It tests me - making me question all that I believe in and all that I hold dear. Every time I say goodbye, it takes me to the dark side of addiction and withdrawal and forces me to come back for more. It has become my cruel life's partner who would rather send me to my demise than allow me to be with another. It makes it's victims feel hopeless, for if we are strong enough to fight the battle with this drug, the only reward for winning is to return to the life of pain we were running from in the first place. So, where is the hope? Where does it end? How can I fight these pills when they have become my only strength? And at the end of the battle, after all the casualties have been counted, did either of us really win??

No.

Almost Quit Aropax (Australian name) entirely. Here is a brief interlude I had with myself in the mirror this morning. And no, I am not insane: Hello Jo, yes, I remember you. You're about 5"2 petite, maybe 55 Kilos? Hang on... wait. What happened to you? Oh Ok, so your still 5"2... why are you more like 90Kilos? hmmm. Anyway, aside from that, you look good. Your eyes are bright, I certainly haven't seen that for a while. Wow, you've gotten older. You look tired, but you look refreshed. I don't understand. Awake, yes, that's what it is. Like you've awoken from a slumber. Well, we both (mirror and I) know it's an aropax haze. Don't look too bad considering I have been a hard core druggie for a little over a year (time on Aropax). Well, it's early, might go cuddle up to my husband before I get ready for work *wink wink* Oh my god. She is thinking about sex. She feels like sex. Oh thank you god! Only 5 mg to go now. Look out world. I don't know whether this is a lighter side or a sadder side. But thank you for your web site. It really gave me the courage to get this far.

Here is a link sent in , by one of the readers. It's a well designed, satirical take on GSK.